Lovebroken Madness
by Fnorpan
Summary: What happens when Fenris does not confess. When Anders pick up the pieces of a broken heart only to break it again at the next turn. This story picks up when the chantry blows up. Follow Hawkes final struggles before finding peace. Is her legacy, her sacrifice, enough? (Rated M for some sexual and language) Parings: Hawke Fenris, Hawke Anders, Hawke Fenris. Reviews appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

~.o.O.o~

She could hear them squabbling. Sebastian's cries and prayers, Orsino's anger, Anders' conviction of his righteousness and Meredith's invocation of the right of annulment. But Enanela Hawke's mind was stuck. Endlessly replaying the scene of brilliant red and deadly flashing light protruding from within the chantry, crumbling it and twirling the debris around in a whirlwind before exploding it all into a shockwave of dust and flames.  
Her mind was desperately trying to make sense of what had just occurred. Was this what Anders and his underground resistance had worked towards? Why hadn't he told her? Why had he sullied their love, their work, for this? An act of murder and pure evil.

She could audibly hear her heart start to crack, her mind reeling to find some semblance of hope that this, this madness, was all just a terrible mistake. An alchemic mistake or at the very least some act of terrorism from someone other than the man who held her still mending heart.

He was the only one of her friends to see through her façade of happiness and understanding, who saw the broken heart and sorrow behind her mask.  
He was the man who had meticulously put her heart back together after her cock-up with Fenris. It was he who gave her the love she thought she would never have and wasn't sure she deserved. He had shown her the light Fenris had denied her, only to rip their dream at the seams and cast her into the void at the next bend.

"I demand you stand with us!" Meredith all but shouted in her direction, bringing Enanela out of her despairing minds tangled web. "Even you must see that this outrage **cannot** be tolerated!"

"Why are we debating the right of annulment when the monster who did this is right here?!" Sebastian demanded, making Enanela inwardly cringe. "I swear to you, I **will** kill him…"

"It can't be stopped now. You have to choose." Anders said and every pair of eyes in the square turned to her. Every drop of blood she had felt frozen, sluggishly making its way through her system and making thinking or even breathing hard. Her almost white – and now mostly empty – gaze fell upon him, the man rebreaking her heart into a million pieces.  
 _'You have to choose…'_ he said, as if she hadn't already been helping him in every way she possibly could. As if she hadn't supported him from day one.

"Was that…" Enanela said in a hushed voice, devoid of emotions as she strained to get the syllables past her lips. "…why you needed me to distract the Grand Cleric?"

Sebastian spun on her, snarling his accusations, but she barely registered his anger over the sound of the blood rushing in her head as she closed her eyes momentarily.  
Everything clicked into place, every piece of the puzzle suddenly fit together seamlessly and the complete picture tore her world to shreds. She felt her entire being sunder as she swallowed the wave of sorrows crashing mercilessly upon her.  
Every tender word, every stolen kiss and gentle embrace – it was all a lie, a trap to lead her here. To where he needed her to be to satisfy his own agenda.  
She was his final pawn, his trump card in this misdirected attempt to free the mages from templar oppression.

Anders' self-righteous speech about the injustice of the circle passed in a blur, as did Sebastian's equally self-righteous barking about Grand Cleric Elthina's innocence.

"You fool! You've doomed us all!" Orsino said angrily in horror, pinning Anders with his green, outraged elven eyes.

"We were already doomed." Anders replied bitterly. "A quick death now or a slow one later. I rather die fighting!"

Enanela felt her emotions recoiling as she locked her frailty and broken heart into the darkest corner of her soul. She pushed it all down. Once again her sanity had to wait, lest all of Kirkwall would fall to chaos and utter ruin due to stupidity and narrowmindedness of its professed leaders.  
As she opened her eyes they were eerie calm, bereft of the emotions that usually played there. She was broken, but she had a mission to fulfill. One last deed before leaving Kirkwall to its own machinations. A deed not hers by choice, but one forced upon her by leaders too blind in their own conviction to see anything else.

"This won't be easy…. But I'll defend you." she said coldly, turning her head to the fidgeting Orsino.

"But what of Anders!?" Sebastian demanded making Enanela whip her head to him, glaring daggers. The anger flared in her heart, unchecked due to lack of emotional stabilizers. The hypocritical bastard was the last one who should open his mouth and at her flaming gaze Sebastian shut his mouth with an audible snap.

"Hawke, if you do this… I don't know if I can follow…" Aveline warned before Fenris flew into his usual ranting. Him she had grown so use to ignore that his words passed her ears without gaining any footing.

"And so you would defend these mages, after all they have done? Throw yourself at a hopeless cause?" Fenris scoffed, slowly shaking his head.

Varric just asked if she was sure, being concerned Enanela would not make it. Merrill was behind her in her own naïve kind of way – damn mage was to kindhearted for her own good – and Isabela stayed true to herself, grumbling a couple of curses and wondered what she'd gotten herself into.

"Think carefully Champion…" Meredith threatened, succeeding only in making Hawke raise her chin defiantly as she scowled at the Knight-Commander with unchecked hate and fury.

"Stand with them and you share their fate." The templar finished.

"I can live with that." Enanela snapped, matching the icy tone of Meredith.

Fenris and Aveline features had both darkened as they heard the Knight-Commander threaten their friend. A friend who in their mind was as an unwilling participant in this scheme as much as they were. A friend who had done nothing but fight for the city's peace and now was treated like the enemy for not condemning a whole people for the acts of the few. They both glared at Meredith as they pledged themselves to Enanela's side.

"You are a fool Champion!" Meredith sneered before turning on her heal, shouting orders for her underlings to kill them all while she roused the rest of the templars. Orsino didn't waste any time, yelling at his charges to get to the Gallows and prepare for battle. The second the mages scattered, the templars was on their heels, halted only by Orsino and Hawke, flanked by her friends.

The battle was short and the desperation was nearly palpable on both sides. Some mage templars reveled in their chance to "put mages back in their rightful place", while others swung their blades with hesitation and sorrow in their eyes. Even Orsino was visably dejected.

"So it has come to this…" he muttered sadly as all the templars lay dead or at least deadly incapacitated at their feet. He had tried to spare the ones whose heart was not in the fight, whereas Enanela had slaughtered indiscriminately in her detached state.

"I don't know if we can win this war Champion, but… thank you." Orsino said eyeing Enanela cautiously as he turned towards the gallows. "I will leave your… friend for you to deal with…"

"One last thing…" Orsino said hesitantly, half turning around as he looked at her warily. "Does your friends know… **what** you are?"

To everyone's utter surprise Fenris, of all people, stepped between Orsino and Enanela, blade in hand, shielding her from the First Enchanters distrustful gaze.

"Do not **dare** categorize her with the detestable cretins you call blood mages!" he snarled, making both his friends and Orsino start. He was probably the last person in Thedas anyone thought would defend a mage. Much less one wielding the double edged sword that was blood magic.

"So you know? All of you?" Orsino asked a tad confused, bitterness staining his words as he spoke. "And you still follow her?"

"She is a mage regardless of her mana-pool and she has done nothing to harm anyone, except herself and the already dead. This is more than can be said for most in this city, mage or no. So what's the harm I ask?" Aveline's pragmatic voice rang out, strong and true as she also walked to stand between Hawke and Orsino.

"It's because of people like her that we are all condemned." Orsino spat, looking to the ground, forgetting he was supposed to be grateful for Enanela putting her life on the line on his behalf. She could instead have chosen to protecting her own hide and sided with the templars, but she didn't.

"Perhaps we should save Meredith the trouble of annulling your ungrateful ass." Isabela drawled picking her nails with one of her daggers, looking her particular brand of bored.

"Who can blame us, we harbor and follow a blood mage after all." Varric countered. "Never mind that she has damned near died for this city on several occasions."

"And let's not forget the fact that she and her family was sold to slavery for a year, by her own uncle, to even be allowed to enter this Maker forsaken city…" Isabela continued – making Fenris snarl at the reminder – sheathing her dagger as she leaned on her left jutting, round hip, glaring pointedly at the now very uncomfortable Grand Enchanter.

"And still she protected the city. Yeah, must be an elaborate plot by the evil blood mage…" Varric snarked as he flanked Fenris who was still holding his sword in one hand, glaring daggers at Orsino.

"I… see…" Orsino stuttered, his unsure eyes darting between Hawkes friends.

"Not all mages using blood as a mana-pool are evil. It matters only how you use it." Merrill piped up, still ashamed by her own former naivety when dabbling in the arts of blood magic.

Merrill had not thought clearly that day when Enanela had refused to help with the completion of the Eluvian. She had accused Hawke of being narrow-minded and prejudiced when she had tried to warn Merrill.  
In reality Hawke had known full well the dangers of blood magic. How easily it was corrupted by demons and how thin the line between good and bad really was in that school. Thankfully Merrill had learned from that and was now practicing safer magic as well as being on good footing with her clan once again.

"For once I agree with the wench." Fenris growled, never taking his eyes of the Grand Enchanter.

Orsino looked like he was going to argue but resigned and shut his mouth when his gaze met the faces glowering back at him, fiercely protecting their friend.  
Enanela was schooled in blood, force and primal magic – with a smidge of creation magic to be able to heal – but she never used spells to control others and only drew power from enemies, or willing participants which she immediately healed after.  
Her friends knew her hatred for evil people, no matter what gifts they bore and she didn't discriminate based on prejudice or religion.

When Orsino was no longer within sight they all breathed a collective sigh of relief, until they sighted their friend. Enanela was still detached, a broken shell of uncontrolled rage and they could all see the disaster waiting to happen. Sebastian was going to put his foot in his mouth – as he usually did with his constant spouting of religious nonsense like a brainwashed tranquil – and Enanela was most likely going to blow up in his face.

Hawke walked up to Anders with that empty expression on her face and as she stopped behind him he sprang to life from his apathy.

"There is nothing you can say that I haven't already said to myself." he babbled. "I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this. **This** is the justice all mages have awaited."

"I might have understood if you'd only told me." Enanela's voice sounded like it was coming from beyond the grave. It was honeysmooth but colder than ice, devoid of any emotion hinting the feelings she once harbored for the corrupted mage in front of her. Her eyes was reduced to bottomless white pits as she stared at the mage with his back against her.

"You **condone** this? The brutal death of an innocent woman of faith? Someone you knew! Who trusted you!" Sebastian ranted to his friend's dismay. Had the situation not been so dire Varric would probably have face-palmed.  
As it was Fenris instead inched closer to Enanela, ready to grab her if she lunged at the ill-advised archer. Varric and Aveline both closed in on Sebastian to be able to act as a wall incase Fenris was not fast enough.  
Thankfully Anders drew Enanela's attention before she could strangle the unshakably faithful – but unreasonable – rouge.

"I wanted to tell you." He said still avoiding to turn and look at Hawke or his friends. "But what if you stopped me? Or **worse** , what if you wanted to help?! I couldn't let you do that!"

Everyone was still on edge, Varric, Fenris and Aveline was still ready to break up any killing attempt on the untactful Brother.  
There was a moment of dreadfully pregnant silence where Enanela's almost white greyish eyes bore holes in Anders neck. Anders was staring pointedly at nothing in front of him and Sebastian's sea-green eyes was locked agitatedly at Hawke.

"The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending the Circle is a solution." Anders insisted. "And if I pay for that with my life… then I pay. Perhaps then Justice would at least be free."

No one was prepared for what happened next, the movement was quicker than Varric's mouth and utterly heartbreaking.  
The knife glimmered for a split second as Enanela's left arm went around Anders shoulders, pulling him roughly backwards. The mage gasped in pain, chocked, before slumping to the ground with Hawke's throwing-daggers protruding from his back.  
Everyone stared at her as she straightened. Her eyes closed, brows knitted together in pain and a trickle of blood stained her chin from where her teeth were imbedded in her lip.

Nobody knew what to say or do. They all stood frozen in chock over the fact that their best friend had just killed the man she loved and was now battling to gain control of herself so she could stop Kirkwall from tearing itself apart. Fenris was on his way to offer his support – as was Varric and Aveline – when a familiar idiot decided it was a great time to speak.

"It will never be enough, but it's a start." Sebastian spat before the rouge found himself clutching his jaw, moaning and groveling in the dirt as a very angry and now brightly glowing Fenris hovered threateningly over him.

"How invigorating." Isabella mused looking at the pair, seemingly enjoying the show.

Enanela had gotten herself under control again and walked up to Fenris, putting her hand on his shoulder as she gently shook her head. Fenris growled at Sebastian but dimmed his flaring markings and relaxed his rigid pose as he moved away from the crouching rouge. He stayed close to Enanela's side as she stared icily at Sebastian, close enough to touch but far enough to not seem looming.

It always looked as if Fenris was gravitating towards her, from the start there had been something pulling them together. And against his better judgement he had fallen for her, one with the blighted curse, and a **blood** mage at that.  
He had resisted, taken her flirting in strides, careful not to encourage her further. But after a time of fighting alongside her, seeing her help people, always opting for the peaceful solution no matter the cost to herself. He had begun having a hard time keeping himself from responding to her flirting and more often than not he was lying awake dissecting things she'd said, decisions she had made.  
The final straw had been hearing her proclaim he was no one's property but his own, that he was a free man. Fenris knew he'd fallen for her then. He had done nothing to earn her kindness but never the less, there she was. Unwavering loyalty and kindness incarnated. No one messed with her friends and loved one's and lived to tell about it.

In the heat of an emotional moment they had both thrown caution to the wind and ended up in her bedchambers doing things he'd never dreamed of even wanting. It all came so naturally between them it scared him out of his wits, but left him wanting more.  
Her touch didn't bring him pain, but instead comfort and unspeakable pleasure. Her smell was not that of death - even though she was a blood mage - but that of flowers and something unique to only her.  
There was no words spoken. Only a symphony of moans, sighs and gasp that stroked his ego to no end. Never had he felt so proud at drawing out such sounds from a woman, never had he relished in the way a woman said his name and never had a womans touch driven him pleasantly mad with lust.

His world almost seemed to explode when he had entered her, causing him to pause to catch his breath and regain some semblance of sanity. The way Enanela had writhed under him, clung to him and pleaded with him to move drove him to let go of ever tiny bit of control he usually had. He submitted to chasing his high together with the infuriating, wonderful and utterly breathtaking woman underneath him.  
As she neared her peak she was praising him - and every god she knew the name of - before plummeting into the void of euphoria, gasping his name and digging her fingers into his shoulderblades. Her convulsing core pushed Fenris himself over the edge and he muffled his cries of passion in the crook of her neck before coming to rest at her side.

Enanela tucked herself to his side and kissed his still heaving chest. Together they basked in the afterglow, content in their silence and treasuring the closeness.  
They fell asleep somewhere along the line and the dreams pestering Fenris that night was far from the usual and much more disturbing and intimidating to him. He had dreamt of his life before the markings. It had all come crashing back, but as he awoke in shock, drenched in sweat, it had all slipped away again.

That's when he made the worst mistake of his life.

He ran.

He ran from her. From the comfort she brought that let his walls fall low enough for his past to come back to haunt him but not enough for him to remember completely. He was scared to forget because it hurt but it was horrifying to think he could remember and that hurt even more.  
She held the key to his past and in his weakness – in his fear of not liking what he remembered or liking it too much and having to mourn its loss - he ran from her.  
It had hurt him deeply to see her break at his betrayal. To see her recoil from him but still looking out for him when he needed her. Ever kind, understanding and loyal. But when she fell for Anders, a part of him died.

Fenris hadn't had the nerve to apologize, to tell her what he felt and one day it was simply too late.  
He would not make that mistake ever again. Even if it killed him, or if he had to walk in that cursed abominations shadow for the rest of eternity, Fenris was not abandoning Enanela **ever** again.  
Sebastian picked himself up, refusing to meet Hawke's icy gaze as he dusted himself of. The bruise from Fenris gauntlet fist was already showing on his jaw. The silence hanging like thick fog in the air between Enanela, Fenris and Sebastian was almost palpable. Everyone was starting to feel a little unnerved when Hawke suddenly spun on her heel, again devoid of feelings as she walked up to Anders. She pulled the knife from its place in the mage's back, cleaned it off on his robes before putting it back in its place next to its three siblings in the strap on her left side.

"We all best get to the Gallows, and quick. It's going to be quite a show." Varric stated, reminding everyone of the urgent situation they were actually in.

Sebastian hesitated for a moment before following after the group. He knew he had spoken out of turn in his grief. He had said some things he wished he hadn't and he only hoped Enanela would not exclude him for his insensitivity.

~.o.O.o.~

Half way through Lowtown they ran into a few shades, but before they had the chance to react someone cleaved them in half. From behind the shades Carver emerged like a miracle. This was one of the few times Enanela saw genuine concern in his eyes as he reprimanded her for being hard to find and giving him a scare when he thought she had died in the mage uprising.  
Enanela could stop the remark clawing its way up her throat as her anger flared at him for so often blaming her for things beyond her control, for hounding her with his inferiority complex and being a general pain in the ass.

"Here to cheer on the templars, are you?" she said in her unnaturally icy voice as her eyes blazed with unspoken fury.

"Look, I know what happened in the Deep Roads. You saved my life, and I didn't even thank you." he said looking at her with true remorse but his eyes meeting nothing but cold nothingness.

"But… You are the only family I have left. I have to stand by you. Just say the word and you have my blade." Carver said pleadingly.

"I thought the order was supposed to be neutral." She inquired, anger creeping into her voice.

"I'm a Warden because of you. I blamed you for a long time, but…" Carver tried reaching her. Sensing something was off.

"…you saved more than my life. I am so much more than I was! **This** is what I was meant to be, and I won't thank you by doing nothing while you start a war." He continued.

"I'm not about to let you die for me." Enanela all but ground out through her teeth.

"And mother said I was the stubborn one…" Carver tried to make the situation lighter. Clearly unnerved by his sisters odd behavior.

"I hope the Templars don't get away with this. If they kill you…" he trailed off, lost for a second in his own anger at the thought of losing his sister.

"In war, victory, Champion. Wherever you're bound." he said suddenly as his features beamed in pride. To his utter surprise Enanela just spun on her heel, continuing her way towards the docks and the boat that would take them to the gallows. Varric patted the young man on the back, giving him a sympathetic look. Isabela mumbled something about having some decent eye-candy at last and Aveline just shook her head and told Carver to follow if that was what he wanted.

"Don't expect too much from your sister right now. She's… in a bad place." Merrill said, looking sadly at Carver as she fell into a steady pace beside him.  
And Merrill was not kidding. The ruthlessness Enanela displayed on their way to the docks, shocked Carver to the core.  
She was using her full power, pummeling anyone in her way with brutal hemorrhaging, tempests and chain lightning as well as fists of the maker. Clad in her rock armor and having the ability to steal life not only from the dead but the living as well made her as deadly as she was utterly unstoppable. The rest of the group - almost rendered inert by the overwhelming destruction caused by the destabilized mage – settled for picking of stragglers staggering out of Enanela's line of fire.

Carver tried to coax information out of their friends as the boat took them to the Gallows. But no one would grace him with more than Merrill had. They all looked pointedly away from him, offered him apologies and the occasional pat on the back, but nothing more and it was unnerving him to say the least.  
Enanela herself, was standing at the bow of the boat, hood pulled down to hide her face from prying eyes. She was so still and quiet it was eerie. Fenris was lingering not far from her side with his usual stony expression but the concerned looks didn't escape Carvers notice.

The discomfort Carver had been was feeling was creeping up his back, gnawing at him until he it had blossomed into full-blown anxiety and fear of what may have happened to his sister. His mind played out a million accursed scenarios, each more vile than the other and he felt helpless, angry and more than a little vindictive.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

~.o.O.o.~

As soon as the boat hit the Gallows dock, Enanela kicked the gangplank down and raced towards the battle already raging in the Gallows courtyard. She heard Orsino urge his fellow mages inside the former prison as Templars closed in on them. One of the Templars flew across the square, landing in front of her as she moved swiftly towards her goal. She didn't even spare him a glance as she stepped over him, calling out to Orsino to announce her arrival.

"Champion! You've survived, thank the Maker! We must…" Orsino started but was interrupted by the arrival of Meredith and her peons.

"And there you are…" she shouted across the courtyards as she almost sauntered towards the stairs leading into the Gallows.  
Orsino pleaded with her for a peaceful solution, making it evident he didn't want a war and he even offered her more than she had innately asked for in terms of restrictions of mage freedom. But the Knight-Commander was as unrelenting as the waves of the Amaranthine Ocean. She would entertain only a surrender, nothing more and Enanela's fury sparked anew as she saw the wicked smile playing on Meredith's lips when she uttered her demands.

Hawke was standing, as usual, in between the feuding Knight-Commander and First Enchanter. Her eyes locked on the tiles of the courtyard as the rage she felt threatened to boil over the point of no return, she felt the pull of demons drawn to her and refused them in pure spite. Her fingernails was digging into the palms of her hands in her effort to stay neutral, to stay in control. The blood dripped freely from her hands, loosening her powers ever so slightly as her magic reacted to the blood and her anger.

She didn't have to cut herself to use her blood as a mana-pool but once she was cut her magic would react to the blood automatically if she was emotional enough. That's one of the reasons she always tried to be kind and diplomatic, always trying to have an iron control on her emotions.

All her young life, Enanela had cursed her inability to extend her mana-pool. Whatever she did, it stayed the same but she became resilient to pain and loss of blood with all her failings in spellcasting. By the time she was a teenager, her resilience was even greater than that of Carver and he was a swordsman.  
Shortly after her father died, in her utter despair at the loss of him, her proficiency for blood magic made itself evident.  
Enanela was picking herbs in the forest when she came upon a huge mabari, trapped in a fox-trap. The trap had cut badly into its leg when the mabari had struggled and now it laid whimpering softly, dying from blood-loss.

Without thinking she had rushed to the animal's side, clawing at the trap to try and force it open. Her frantic pulling at the sharp edges of the trap caused severe cuts in her hands and she could feel her magic pouring into the animal with intension of healing. It was enough to perk the hound up and with great effort she managed to separate the jagged edges of the trap enough to let the dog slip his leg free.  
Enanela had fallen unconscious after the ordeal, more from the sudden rush of adrenaline and powerful magic than loss of blood and when she awoke the huge mabari was still at her side.

Only once since she grew up had she lost total control and let her magic run free. And the only reason she had let it continue instead of stopping it, was because it was due to love and a fierce will to protect him.

She accidentally bit her lip worrying it as Fenris stalked up to kiss her and her magic had instantly reacted to her will to protect him. She had been free to touch Fenris without him feeling the usual pain he had always spoken of and she put two and two together. She made sure to reopen the wound, discretely, every now and then to make sure Fenris was always protected.  
When she peaked she felt herself digging her fingers into Fenris back, unable to be gentle in her ecstasy. But instead of pain, Fenris had received an increase in pleasure and his wounds had been almost instantly healed.

She had meant to tell him, but had never had the chance since he abandoned her with the bed still warm from their tryst.

Now the blood was reacting to her anger, which was much more volatile but without the emotional dampeners of love her mind knew only anger and hate. Making the iron control she usually wielded over herself waver enough to give her pause.  
Carver noticed her struggle and put his hand on her shoulder for support. Hoping it would ground her, give her an anchor. Fenris sought to do the same and discretely took her hand, stroking her whitened knuckles with his thumb.  
The gestures had the desired effect as the bloodmist that had begun forming around Enanela thinned to almost none existent.

"The time for talking is done!" Enanela said venomously, straining to get the clawing words past her lips.

"Evidently so…" Orsino sighed, shaking his head.

"I suppose I should have expected no less from you, Champion. So be it. You shall share the Circle's fate." Meredith spat smugly with an eerie smile tugging at her lips.

Orsino inquired who the battle was going to go down and too proud for her own good, Meredith allowed the mages to gather and prepare for the final assault.

"The rest of the order is already crossing the harbor." she conceitedly tacked on as Enanela's group, led by Orsino and a couple of random circle-mages made their way into the Gallows.

The Grand Enchanter roused his fellow mages with a fiery speech, telling his peers that the templars would not get away with this madness any longer. Fight, survive and spread the word!  
Enanela's heart burned as she recognized the words chanted by Anders, sending her deeper into her void of nothingness that was threatening to engulf her. As she pushed harder, forced her sorrow deeper into the darkness of her soul, the anger and hate once more roamed free. Only her closest friends dared stay near her as the bloodmist surrounding her thickened, seemingly itching to kill and maim anything daring to encroach on her.  
Orsino urged to have frontline attackers as well as background attackers and suggested that Hawke give orders to her friends before nervously going off to coordinate his own charges.

Enanela, looked to Fenris who nodded in acknowledgement. Her gaze went to Carver who also nodded and last her gaze fell upon Aveline who smiled gently and said.

"I'm with you Hawke. Always."

Sebastian came up to her, eyeing her in shame and wariness. He had never seen her this broken, this upset and it unnerved him. He had always found Hawke beautiful but now she was empty, filled with only seething volatile anger at it made him sad that such a wonderful human had been defiled to this point by someone as Anders.

"It's hard to look at these apostates and not think of Anders…" he began, watching Hawke audibly hiss at him when mentioning the cursed mage. He went on by quoting the chant of light, how they were all children of the maker and deserved some semblance of freedom. Unfortunately Sebastian tripped himself as he said that he didn't believe Andraste would support this chaos, implying the mages guilt.

"I'm sorry about the Grand Cleric. But there's much more at stake…" she forced herself to say. Her icy voice was hoarse and thick with implied threats but it was as if the archer was deaf to all sorrow except his own.  
He complained that Elthina had been a mother to him and everyone else in the chantry. He ranted about Anders not taking the time to get to know her before judging her and sentencing her to death.  
This broke the meager control Enanela still had and if it hadn't been for Fenris quick reflexes and seeming immunity to the bloodmist now swirling angrily around the murderous Hawke, the Brother would have been dead in seconds, or at the very least deadly wounded.

Isabela, pulled Sebastian away from the fury being Enanela at the moment, asking him rhetorically if he'd ever learn before chastising him about his lack of tact and for being a _'brainwashed chantryboy with mommy-issues'_.

"What I meant to say…" Sebastian amended from a safe distance, with both Fenris and Isabela standing between him and the tiny but deadly woman who used to be his secret love.

"Not every mage is Anders. We're here to help those who have suffered unduly at our hands. I don't know that we could win this, Hawke. Or even if we should. But I will not turn from you now." Sebastian finished, looking pleased with himself. However he cringed and looked almost panick-stricken at the massive amount of scowls he got for mentioning Anders, yet again and for his loving implication that the mages 'may' not deserve to win.

"You've been a good friend. It will be my honor to fight at your side." the panicked rouge tried to rectify but it seemed that no one was listening to him any further. Fenris was busy calming Enanela together with Varric and Aveline.  
Carver stayed a healthy distance away from his upset sister, chatting with Merrill as Isabella. They might all die in a few moments, Isabela had said and there for the three had all agreed that it would be best if Carver knew the reason for his sister being a volatile mess of fiery hate.

Carver felt his heart squeeze painfully as he learned of Fenris mistake and Anders betrayal. He wanted to take it all out on the elf, who was the only one still breathing, but Merrill stopped him with her usual kindness.

"He didn't know any better. Fear can make people do silly stuff you know. And look, he's really trying to make up for his mistakes." the petite dark-haired elf chimed at Carver.

From a distance Carver could hear Varric and Fenris talking to calm Enanela and he had to admit the elf didn't even hesitate to enter that mist of death that had been surrounding his sister since he came back into her life.

"Nervouse Hawke?" Varric inquired.

"My mother didn't raise any stupid children. I know how dangerous this fight will be." she replied in that detached voice making Carvers innards crawl.

"Well that's comforting. It's the most dangerous thing we could ever do. But at least we know that." he sighed as he continued to with his little speech about not being one for long goodbyes, voicing his fears about helping the mages but promising to stay by her side never the less.

"We've faced down worse things than this, Varric. What could possibly go wrong?" Enanela did her best to try to imitate her old self, but it sounded hollow and wrong as soon as the words left her mouth. Varric, being who he was, tried to make her feel better by continuing the friendly snark as if nothing was amiss.

"Argh… I hate it when you say that. What do you say we put an end to all this waiting around and go meet destiny?"

Merrill babbled in her usual way when trying to comfort and reassure Hawke, Isabela snarked at anything Hawke said and Aveline updated her about Donnic and the guards efforts to protect the civilians of Kirkwall.

Carver did what he did best. Being the bratty younger brother. Telling her that she always had a knack for making his life difficult, but it felt good to be by her side again. He wished only that their mother could have seen them like they now where, working together and not competing.

"I'm proud to call you sister. That's gone unsaid for to long." Carver said, finishing his little speech with a Warden saying.

Fenris had been eyeing everyone as they made their little speeches and trying to say goodbye without really saying goodbye. There was only one thing he regretted since coming to Kirkwall but he was not certain now was the best time to rectify that regret.

"Here I am, about to defend these mages in hopeless battle. You lead me to strange places Enanela." he said, flashing a rare warm, loving smile at her.

"This isn't so strange really. What is one more life and death battle?" Enanela muttered dejectedly, pushing down hard against the pressure of her pent up emotions. She would not break yet. There wasn't time.

"I… might not get the chance to say this again…" Fenris hesitated while inspecting the floor beneath him and every single one of their companions froze in their tracks, flabbergasted that the elf had found the guts to confess what they all knew from long ago.

Finally he was acting on the significance of that red wristband he wore and the token at his belt. They all knew the meaning of them since it wasn't really hard to guess with Fenris' near constant, pining glances at Enanela when he thought no one was looking. Pining that had turned to barely concealed regret and sorrow once Anders had claimed the broken pieces of Enanela's heart. They had all tried to chew him out on the matter but the elf had stubbornly deflected every attempt.

"Meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me, Hawke." Fenris said, forcing himself to meet her white-ish grey gaze with his forest-green one.

"Promise me you won't die. I can't bear the thought of living without you." he continued, caressing her cheek with one hand as he looked at her with all the feelings he had for her, laid bare in his features.  
She stood unmoving for a moment, staring at him with those hollow eyes that had been inhabiting her face since delivering Anders to the beyond. With a sigh she closed her eyes and pressed her cheek ever so lightly against Fenris warm palm. One single tear escaped her eyes as she opened them slowly, showing all of the suppressed emotions of pain, suffering, doubt and sorrow for a brief second before pushing it down into the darkness once more.

No time. Not yet. She chanted to herself as she let herself over to the nothingness again.

Her friends gathered around her as the doors started cracking from the pressure of the templars. Enanela's rage and determination burned hot in her veins again, freed from the shackles of her kindness. Her eyes returned to icy fire as she turned to face her friends one last time.

"So, this is it. Some of you are worried. Maybe I am to, but I am **not** staying long enough to find out." Hawke said, almost growling the last part.

"What I know is that I **don't** like being cornered, and I can fight harder scared than they can angry." she continued menacingly.  
Everyone was dead certain that Enanela would not be fighting scared at all. She was going to be just as vengeful, brutal and ruthless as she had been on their way to the Gallows. But no one said anything. If it meant getting out alive most of them didn't care **how** the templars died, only that they did.

"We're getting out, and I'm buying when we do!" Varric shouted to lighten the mood.

~.o.O.o.~

It was a slaughter for the most part. Not until the templars reached Enanela's and Orsino's groups did the templars really start falling. Wave after wave of templars fell to the brutality of the defenders. Enanela's group in particular. She was bleeding profusely from superficial wound, the thick bloodmist swirling like a tornado around her as she unleashed chaos from the void itself upon approaching templars. She was like a magical juggernaut, impossible to stop.  
One templar had managed to get close enough to spear Hawke with his sword, his victory was shortlived as she only coughed before righting herself up once more, unleashing her _'grave robber'_ , sucking up every bit of lingering lifeforce from the myriad of corpses and dying splayed around the hall.

The templar fell to his knees as his life was being sucked out of him and the last thing he suffered in his life was his own sword - pulled from the belly of his supposed victim – plunged into his chest.  
Hawke's wound had almost closed with all the life she had been able to absorb from the massacre around her. What was left of the pain and the small trickles of blood, fueled her magic as she continued her vicious defense of the people she held dear until every last templar was dead or dying.

"Look at it all" Orsino despaired as he looked around to see most of his peers fallen. "Why don't they just drown us as infants? Why wait? Why give us the illusion of hope?" he rambled as he turned to Enanela.

"I refuse to keep running! I won't wait for her to kill me." the First Enchanter snarled.

"I hope you aren't giving up without taking a shot at Meredith!" Carver said angrily.

"I'm not giving up… I'm giving in…" Orsino muttered.

What came next tipped the balance of the scale to utter disaster. They all had to watch not only the foulest kind of blood magic, the kind giving the school a bad reputation. But they also had to watch their closest friend snap into a whirlwind of vengeance who could no longer discern between friend and foe.

"Quentin's research was too evil, too dangerous, so I put it aside. But I see now there is no other way." Orsino rambled as he began restlessly pacing back and forth. Enanela stood frozen, rooted to the spot as the First Enchanters words sunk in.

Quentin…

The crazy blood mage serial killer that stole her mother, mutilated not only her body but her very soul with his twisted needs.

"Meredith expects blood magic? Then I will give it to her. Maker help us all." Orsino shouted at a group of templars joining them before slitting his wrists to power his vile spell.

As the corpses flesh knitted and banded together with Orsinos, the templars looked on in horror. Forgetting that Hawke's group also was an enemy.  
Enanela was barely aware of the anything happening around her as she felt every sense of logic or emotions drain from her system. Pushing her feelings down to keep from breaking left only a pure burning hate and rage surging from the very core of her being. It forced away any semblance of understanding beyond the primal need for vengeance.

The scream emanating from Hawke as she snapped – as every piece of her sense of self recoiled into nothingness – was a deafening shriek of sorrow deeper than the ocean and then she was gone. In her wake stood her shell, surrounded by bloodmist, snarling like a wild animal and before the Templars could even raise their swords, she was all over the giant abomination formerly known as Orsino. Tearing at him with every inch of her power poured into his destruction.

Carver and Fenris urged the Templars to stay the blazes away from Hawke lest they wanted to die. Long ranged fighters and Fenris joined in the fight to take down Orsino but the others was left watching the horror unfold as the broken shell of their mage friend was pitted against the crazed mage.  
Fenris had to dodge not only Orsino, but Hawke as well. More than once she had knocked him on his ass or sent him flying across the room. The thing that surprised him - and somewhat unnerved him - was not that she was attacking indiscriminately, but that her touch now hurt as much as with anyone.

When they had felled Orsino two times and was going on the third, Enanela suddenly shrieked in anger before jumping the gigantic horror. She was stabbing it wildly in its face, grabbing on to the protruding arms and then yanked the wriggling wormlike figure of the former Grand Enchanter, out from its protective armor of dead flesh.  
As what was left of Orsino landed a fair distance away, Enanela jumped down from the body of rotting flesh and hurriedly stalked over to him. Her foot crushed the skull of the creature in a horrible crunching sound, but in her rage Enanela didn't stop. The bloodmist was ripping the creatures flesh apart as she stomped the already crushed and smeared head of the creature again and again and again.

The templars then made the fatal mistake of trying to subdue her, against the warnings of her friends. They didn't survive more than seconds as they couldn't smite her or drain her fast enough to even make her fall to her knees. Only one templar stayed behind cover, namely Carver and he lived because of it.  
Enanela stood unmoving in her vortex of bloodmist, looking down at the broken bodies of the former Templars as her friends were eyeing her warily.

"Hawke?" Varric tried, but she didn't move a muscle.

"Sister…" Carver pleaded, but again she didn't react.

"Enanela." Fenris called as ran to her side. He braced himself for the burning that would come from touching her cheek and was surprised when it didn't come. Touching her skin was once again pleasant and he looked at her with both surprise and warmth.  
She suddenly flinched, recoiling from his touch as if it burned her as she spun around to march towards the courtyard once again. Each step closer to the door caused the bloodmist to dissipate a little more until she set foot outside and it was gone.

Waiting at the Gallows courtyard was none other than Meredith herself looking as smug as when they had left.

"You will pay for what you've done here." Fenris said, flanking Enanela.

"I will be rewarded for what I have done here, in this world and the next!" Meredith spat, self-righteous as ever. "I have done nothing but perform my duty. What happens to you know is your own doing."

"You were never part of the Circle, and I tolerated that, but in defending them you've chosen to share their fate!" Meredith spat as she turned her hateful attension toward Enanela.  
She didn't flinch, didn't move or say even one word. Her staff hung loosely in her grip at her side and her features was once again hidden by her cowl. Her friends all knew all too well of the expression to be found there though. The look worn by someone broken, hanging on to life by a thread.

"Knight-Commander, I thought we intended to arrest the Champion" Knight-Captain Cullen questioned.

"You will do as I command Cullen." Meredith ordered agitatedly.

The sound of the templars voice was enough to raise the ire of the slumbering fury in Enanela. Fenris tried desperately to calm her by holding her hand but the grip on her staff tightened until her knuckles turned white and they only thing preventing her from agitating her already bloodied palms was the fact that Fenris hand was in the way.  
Her nails dug into his palm instead, making him hiss quietly at the sharp pain. A pain that only got worse the angrier Enanela got.

"No, I defended you when Thrask started whispering you were mad. But this is to far." Cullen said unnerved.

"I will **not** allow insubordination! We must stay true to our path!" Meredith wailed at Cullen, drawing and pointing her blade at him.  
Enanela's reaction was immediate and she had to bite her lip to keep from lunging at the crazed templar. Only a little longer, Meredith would soon reveal her crazed state and then she would be dead. It would all be over.

"You recognize it, do you not?" Meredith said over her shoulder towards Varric and herself. "Pure lyrium, taken from the Deep Roads. The dwarf charged a great deal for his prize."

"That idol turned Bartrand mad in the end." Varric said bitterly. "Turning the idol into a fancy sword won't save you."

"All of you, I want her dead!" Meredith reeled, pointing the red lyrium sword at Hawke. Who seemed to sway towards the sword as opposed to backing away from it. The blood trickling from her lip was enough to start her bloodmist at the surge of power emanating from the sword as well as the swelling anger bubbling inside Enanela once again.

"Enough! This is not what the order stands for, Knight-Commander, step down. I relieve you of your command!" Cullen barked. Meredith's eyes widened as she caught sight of the blood magic curling around Enanela.

"My own Knight-Captain falls prey to the influence of blood magic." she said, looking at him as her twisted mind gave her yet another false revelation.

"You all have! You're all weak, allowing the mages to control your minds, to turn you against me!" Meredith continued her snarling as she spun around to point her sword in this direction and that.

"But I don't need any of you! I will protect this city myself!" the Knight-Commander spat in anger, pointing the sword back at Enanela.

"You'll have to go through me!" said the templar who survived the attack on Orsino and stepped in between Hawke and the Meredith as he removed his helmet. It was Kieran, the templar recruit Hawke had rescued from a crazed demon-worshipping blood mage.

"And me!" Cullen said joining Kieran in defending Enanela.

"Traitors! I'll have both you're heads!" Meredith growled and with that she lapsed in to a short prayer before lunging Enanela full power.

Enanela was, however, far from unprepared. Her rock armor flared into being in second, blocking the blow from the crazed templar as she unleashed hemorrhaging followed by chain lightning and tempest. The two women snarled at each other as they were locked in close quarter combat. Even though Enanela was a mage, she stood her ground due giving as good as she got.  
It was a heated battle, where most of the people banded together to take down the crazed templar. Even Zevran showed up.  
From time to time, Meredith would raise the Gallows statues to life with the help of her lyrium-sword but mainly she was locked in battle with Enanela. Ice versus fire.

After what felt like an eternity Meredith stumbled, exhausted from the fighting. As she tried to invoke even more power from the sword, it turned on her. Meredith entire body turned into red lyrium in a few moments of agonizing screams.

There it was over.

Enanela was clutching her side due to a nasty cut and sported several cuts and angry bruises. Her staff fell to the ground even as the remaining templars surrounded her. She only stood there facing the sky as she unlocked every piece emotion she had not allowed herself to feel.  
Fenris was at her side, as was Aveline, Carver, Isabela, Merrill and Varric but she didn't heed them. The tears was running freely down her cheeks, into her long red-brown hair that had long since fallen from its bun in the heat of battle.  
Her heart broke, her soul screamed and every breath she took was agony. She wished for death.

As her friends started sheathing their weapons she closed her eyes and lowered her head. When she opened them looking at Cullen while gathering every last bit of strength she could muster for her last spell.  
Cullen could not hold her tortured gaze, neither could anyone else of the templars but no matter the ocean of sorrow filling her up and spilling on to her cheeks, she would not leave without a parting-gift.  
Cullen was a bit apprehensive but he held back his templars as the group made their way towards the dock.

As Enanela reached the end of the courtyard, she turned to Cullen one last time, a sad haunting smile on her lips as she hugged herself, falling to her knees. The entire courtyard started cheering as her healing spell hit them, rejuvenating them all. But the cheering took an abrupt turn to startled gasps of horror as Hawke started coughing blood. Her arms fell limp to her sides, her head lolled to one side as her eyes rolled back into her head and she fell to the ground.

"Enanela!" Fenris shouted as he turned to see her slumping to the ground. "No, no, no, NO!"

He was by her side in seconds, pulling her up into his arms, looking at her chest in wide-eyed horror. The dagger she had plunged into Anders back, was now firmly lodged in her own chest.  
Cullen had also rushed to her side, he was kneeling and for once he cursed the lack of mages. There was no healer and with the wound as it was Hawke was not able to drink potions.

"NO!" Fenris growled in pain when Enanela drew her last ragged wet breath before going deadly still in his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**I had thought I was done with this. But then I went to bed last night and all I could think of was this. I ended up writing it in bed, on my phone since I couldn't get it out of my head. (Thank God for OneNote).  
I hope I've gotten most of the gramatical and spelling errors out during this mornings prof-reading but I apologize for the ones I've missed.**

 **Enjoy!**

 ** _EDIT: Sorry, something weird happen to the text format when I posted. Shit got rearranged and such. NOW it's finally done.. Ugh.._  
**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

~.o.O.o.~

"Maker..." Cullen whispered as it dawned on him, Enanela was a blood mage, a kind he hated dearly for the crimes he had seen them commit and yet here she was. Dying for the sake of saving those who had wished to eradicate her and her fellow mages, for no other reason than being born with magic.  
It wasn't even really their fault, they didn't ask for magic and they were as much victims to circumstance as anyone else. Bad people could be found everywhere mage or no, and there had to be a better way than constantly warring with each other.

"Search the gallows, top to bottom! Find me any mage still alive! And pray it be a healer..." Cullen had ordered before making his way over to the broken elf hugging the body of Kirkwall's Champion. For a Champion she was.

Merrill was kneeling beside Fenris – his features was twisted in a mask of horror and sorrow as he clutched Enanela in his arms – and she was growing ever paler as she used every last reserve of mana she could muster. The strain made her break out into a cold sweat, her breath came in small strained huffs and she was literary shaking from exertion.

The effort was barely able to halt Enanela's death and everyone knew that this was the end if they couldn't get a spirit healer to help.

There was only one mage still alive. The young girl, Ella they had saved from the sadistic Templar, Ser Alrik. She was not particularly skilled with her magic yet and had hidden when all the madness had begun. The templars who found her, scared her half to death but they had been kind enough to stay at a distance while explaining their task. The Champion of Kirkwall needed Ella and she was now running full speed towards her savior.

She slid down besides the almost fainted Merrill, took the hand of both the elven mage and Hawke. She wasn't good with healing, she wasn't good with any kind of magic and her passing her harrowing had been a miracle.  
She sobbed her apologies for being utterly useless as she poured her mana into Merrill. Ella looked at Hawke and mumbled that if there was anything she could do, anything at all, she would do it and she prayed for a sign.

And then Merrill fell unconscious from the strain, leaving Ella scrambling for anything to help.

Then there was nothing.

Nothing more than the despair coming off the Champions friends as they tried to grasp the situation. Everyone in the courtyard seemed rooted to the spot, witnessing the heartbreaking scene unfold before their very eyes.

Aveline and Varrics moved dejectedly to help the exhausted and unconscious Merrill. Sebastian murmured his prayers with a voice thick with sorrow as he offered support to Carver who had sunk to his knees and was now choking on his own tears. Isabela had moved to Zevran's side and was now suppressing her cursing on his shoulder as the assassin comforted her with a pained expression.

Fenris usual iron control over his emotions slipped as hope died. Muffling the merciless keening sobs clawing their way up his throat, against the crook of Enanela's already cold neck as the last few strangled, wet breaths escaped her bluing lips. Tears of bitter sadness spilled on to his cheeks as he clung to the lifeless mage who gave her all for everyone but herself, for him. And he broke…

~.o.O.o.~

There was a bright light penetrating her blackened mind, someone was calling to her.

A gentle voice, serene, almost what she had felt when plunging the knife in her chest to get enough strength to turn a horrible situation into something useful. She healed and saved as many people as possible in the gallows, before running out of life-force.  
Enanela opened her eyes to the owner of the voice and found a silhouette of a petite girl. There were no colors, only different shades of light, but even so she could make out the smiling features of a girl.

"You are kind." The girl said caressing Enanela's cheek. Her touch felt like a summer's breeze on her cold, numb skin. When she tried to reply she found her lips would not move from the exhaustion she felt.  
She was dead or dying, that much she knew, and she deduced that this girl, spirit was one to take her along to the other side. For a spirit it had to be since it bore none of the usual taint and beckoning lure of a demon.

At least she could follow this spirit into the void, knowing that the templars of Kirkwall would now not deem every mage in the same light anymore. She had seen it in the eyes of the knight-captain when he realized her life-force was what was keeping his people alive, healing and saving as many as possible. She had seen him drop his sword as the realization sunk in and she had seen determination of a gentle kind as he turned to his fellow templars with orders.

"And you are loved dearly." said the spirit now caressing both of Enanela's cheeks. It sent ripples of comfortable warmth through her chilled and battered body, reminding her of what security and love felt like.

"I would not see you end here. Will you let me help?" it said, making Enanela jerk out of her daze in suspicion.

"How? Why?" She managed to force out of her throat, it felt like trying to swallow thorns.

"He will break without you... His love, your love... it drew me hear." The spirit said.

"I will not allow you entrance..." Enanela whispered sternly in her strangled voice, still wary of the spirit. She could not be certain it was not a demon in disguise since she was in such a bad place right now. She had felt the demons of rage and despair clawing at her since she locked her heart and killed Anders. This could be a trick.

"My dear girl, I do not wish to enter your world. But I can guide you back to it. To him..." the spirit beckoned and smiled sweetly. Enanela closed her eyes once more, contemplating her choices and the weighing the potential risks. Did she even want to go back?

"You love him, and even though he's been too scared to admit it, he loves you back just as much. His heart is breaking as we speak, calling for you, begging you not to leave. I would see you go to him." The spirit mused as she hugged Enanela. The love emanating from this spirit was pure bliss to Enanela's battle worn and tearstained soul. In its embrace she felt everything she had tried to lock away spring to life again. Tears formed and a few spilled over the corner of Enanela's silver eyes as she saw her love through the eyes of the spirit.

How wrong she had been when she had convinced herself that her love for Anders was equal to her love for the grumpy, infuriating elf. Her heart soared with the revelation as she closed her eyes and returned the spirits embrace. Smiling for the first time since Anders betrayal.

~.o.O.o.~

There was a yelp from Ella where she sat still kneeling beside Enanela and Fenris. She shone with a warm light and smiled serenely at the elf who had not even bothered to look up in his despair.  
Cullen and the templars all came to attention, focusing intently on the mage with weapons ready. Ella nodded at Cullen, acknowledging his reaction before turning her attension back to the Champion. She waved her hands in a pattern and the bluish light of the familiar healingspells erupted from them.

Everyone in the Gallows was holding their breath, focusing intently on the scene in front of them. Even Fenris had been brought out of his despair to witness the peculiar sight presented by the young, glowing mage.

Nothing seemed to happen as the light from the mage dissipated and left Ella looking stunned and disoriented.

Enanela's friends were all about to lapse back into sorrow when Fenris gasped, looking chocked at his love and then to the mage in front of him.

"You did it..." he said breathlessly, tears still streaking his face.

"No" Ella replied with a teary smile. "Love saved her."


End file.
